---- WASHINGTON, D.C. ---- Until today nobody doubted the U.S. Bullion Depository at Fort Knox, Kentucky held more than 5,000 tons of gold. But this morning, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner admitted the Depository is just full of chocolate bars. "There wasn't going to be a 'right' time to announce this" confessed the Secretary. "We hoped chocolate would be a reserve currency before we had to." Fortunately, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York holds an even larger stockpi

---- LAS VEGAS, NEVADA ---- Months after Kim Kardashian's Fairy Tale My Little Pony Princess Wedding, imprisoned football hero and celebrity kidnapper O.J. Simpson finally learned of the union on television. "I have done my best to keep up with the Kardashians" said a saddened Simpson. "I went to all the Shapiro kids' bar mitzvahs." Mr. Simpson was able to maintain his composure even after discovering that Sugar Ray and Babyface were invited. But after Mario Lopez was seen

---- FRANKFURT, GERMANY ---- Members of the Euro Zone are going to have to make big cuts to austerity, says European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet. "Germany and the Netherlands are on the brink. If they keep spending less than they make then our Union is doomed." Most analysts believe northern European countries will be forced into a round of belt loosening. "They're going to have to start buying because if they don't Trichet will call in a favor from above." W