Trichet Declares Austerity on Austerity

---- FRANKFURT, GERMANY ----

Members of the Euro Zone are going to have to make big cuts to austerity, says European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet. "Germany and the Netherlands are on the brink. If they keep spending less than they make then our Union is doomed."

Most analysts believe northern European countries will be forced into a round of belt loosening.

"They're going to have to start buying because if they don't Trichet will call in a favor from above."

While nobody on this planet wants Italian or Spanish bonds, Trichet is said to have connections to private investors on one of Jupiter's moons with an appetite for high yield human indentures.

"Obligating ourselves to aliens is hopefully a last resort" said a spokeswoman for the ECB.