---- ADDIS ABEBA, ETHIOPIA ---- The three most influential ratings agencies today issued a sweeping downgrade of all Eurozone members' sovereign debt to Africa+, with a negative outlook. "I see Mugabe running the ECB by 2013" says Cory Rogers of BS Capital. He thinks "creditors trust German East Africa, not Germany." He is trading Bunds for Burundi Bonds. "Betting Italy's headed for Ethiopia" fits his firm's historic models. Europe is expected to continue to head south, de

---- WASHINGTON, D.C. ---- Late Friday the United States Postal Service announced it has recruited former UBS trader Kweko Adoboli. "We wish we only lost two billion dollars in 2011" explains the Postmaster General. "Kweko can show us how." The Postal Service delivered a 3.1 billion dollar loss for its third quarter this year. It's all been worth it though, says the Postmaster. In 2011 the Service has reduced its carbon footprint by more than 6% thanks to a new fleet of Hy

---- ATHENS, GREECE ---- Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou was on the defensive today amidst fallout over his nation's latest triple X rated debt issue. Only Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi voiced cautious approval. "You want people to buy these or not?" asked a defiant Papandreou. "Forty percent interest didn't bring people in the door. But now, even kids are finally interested in fixed income." Some of the bonds feature the Greek Womens' Water Polo Team.

---- NEW YORK, NEW YORK ---- As the Dow Jones Industrial Average went negative again for 2011 and the S&P 500 plunged 31 points, companies scrambled to cut back and dig in. The Department of Labor released data Friday showing that nobody went to work in August. "The only growth now is in Hugo Chavez" breathed one exhausted trader. Major U.S. firms are reacting to the slowdown with indiscriminate layoffs. "I don't relish making these calls" said Carolyn Mercer at General Ele