Hands Free Toilet Paper Race Heats Up

---- CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA ----

Steve Jobs has done it again. This afternoon Apple (NASDAQ:AAPL) unveiled iWipe.

At an unanticipated press conference, Mr. Jobs demonstrated the product; tastefully keeping his pants on. "It also works for hemmorhoid cream" he grinned, scrolling through songs on an iPod with one hand.

After its most recent quarterly earnings reports beat analyst expectations, some were still disappointed that no new iPhone was released. The iWipe should put those criticisms to rest.

On the heels of Apple's announcement Proctor & Gamble (NYSE:PG) is rushing to release its competing Swiffer - The Quicker Sticker Upper. Christian Right groups are expected to oppose this product.